Re-Discovering My Will to Live Again

I was practically dead already. When you spend your life stealing from the people you care about to buy coke, and coming close to a heart attack almost every day, that's not a life…it's a cry for help. Nevertheless, I was 19 and apparently determined to end my life before it began. My father had died when I was 14 and I used that as an excuse to treat myself and everyone around me like dirt. My mother gave me early access to half of my inheritance when I entered college, hoping I'd be able to grow up, but it really just fueled a drug problem that I'd developed when I was sixteen.

I was never able to relate to anyone when I was sober. People made me anxious, uncomfortable and downright angry. In middle school, I'd met a few friends who were into drugs and stuck with them until they all faded away during various points of my childhood—some grew up and some never got the chance to. Eventually I went to college nearby, but never really traveled too far from home. I call my first attempt at college "the great money-waste of 2010" because I did nothing but take up space. I did, however, manage to establish some newer and cheaper coke connections.

I was quickly placed on academic probation and eventually expelled when I'd failed a drug test. My school had offered to place me into one of the local drug rehab centers that they partnered with. But I knew a couple of people at my school who went there and they were all still using, so I was like what is the point. I was back home at this point and only returned to campus to score drugs. My depression deepened, and so did my cocaine abuse. By the time I was 19, I was fixing practically every day. I kept stringing my mom along with these false promises of enrolling back in school once I figured things out, but knew I was going to die before that happened, so it didn't matter.

On the day before my 20th birthday, I really thought I was done for. I woke up from a nap and realized I was having a heart attack. It was during these first few minutes, I realized that I didn't want to die and that I could still do a lot with my life. I called my mom and we rushed over to the hospital. I miraculously stabilized after a while. I told myself that if I made it out of this, I'd never touch drugs again. True to my word, I spent about three hours sobbing and telling my mom how sorry I was. She found your website and got your recommendation for a drug rehab center in Florida and I was on a plane going there the following morning.

I was not looking forward to having to go through detox. I got through it by telling myself that once it was over I be on my way to defeating my addiction, when I started the actual rehab phase of my treatment. My first two days in detox weren't easy, but their professional medical staff did everything they could to make me as comfortable as possible. After I finished my detoxification, I began the mental health part of the treatment process and started having sessions with an excellent doctor who really help me with my depression. I liked the doctor so much that I continued seeing her after my rehab was successfully completed 30 days later. I've been going to her for almost 2 years now and my old worldview has changed dramatically for the better. In addition to remaining clean and sober all this time, I can now really get close to people again for the first time since my father died.

Contact the National Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Information Center (NASAIC) anytime toll-free at (800) 784-6776 or through our online form, and we will recommend the leading drug and alcohol rehab centers for you or your loved one.