Detox, Heroin, Detox, Heroin, Detox, Heroin Detox... Life, Lived

It has been 146 days since my heroin detox. That's the longest number I have ever been able to honestly report about my sobriety. See, this is not my first time being sober. However, since it is my longest time being sober so far, I'm feeling hopeful. After my last heroin detox, I did a lot of things differently than my other attempts at getting clean. In the past, I'd declined going to rehab. I even declined working the 12 steps. I didn't need a sponsor. I could do it on my own.

Right, I could do it on my own. Which is why I went back to detox 9 times after my first try. A mere 10 detox trips in 11 years and now I am 146 days clean and sober. I honestly never get sick of saying that. After finally agreeing to 30 day program, I have stayed clean and sober. My recovery is undoubtedly more successful than ever before. I'm certain it is because I agreed to go to rehab and then followed up rehab with an intensive outpatient program. Sure, I still think about heroin every day. It is less often, though. It is hard not to think about it. It is hard to think about the people I lost due to my addiction: my friends who knew me before I met heroin, not to mention all my shooting up buddies who have lost their lives fighting those cravings.

When I finally did agree to get a sponsor, 3 years ago, it did seem to work for a while. He came to be my best friend. I could tell him anything and he would not judge me. He'd help me get to my next heroin detox and he would let me know that he would be there waiting for me when I got out.

He died three days ago from an overdose. My rock, my foundation, my solid ground, my safety net, he was using. That's beyond difficult to imagine. I wish I could've been there for him. I wish I could have helped him the same way he helped me. I wish I could have saved his life.

This will be my hardest feat yet. All I want to do right now is find a needle. But I will try my damndest to live out this life in honor of David. He would not want me to quit. So if not for myself, I will do it for David. Maybe one day I can be someone's sponsor. Maybe one day I will be there to recommend heroin detox. Maybe one day I will be the reason somebody lives, not the reason somebody dies.

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